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I had a great question come in yesterday regarding divorce and adultery, which is a huge issue in both Christianity and the world today. Here is the question:

I have been married for 13 years with 3 children(DNA proven)
I am totally faithful to my wife since we got married and my vows are clean till now. 10 years ago my wife went to sleep with a married man from 1999-2002.

Since 2002 she break ties with the lover after the abortion.
They slept 5x together and the fifth time my wife invited him to our home when I was away. The end scenario my wife got pregnant,took my money and Abort the baby for fear of being caught or loosing me.

Since then,it has been kept secret and I never knew about it. Last month I got a hint from a friend, I asked my wife and she confess to all and ask for forgiveness. I am a believer and i know i have biblical grounds for divorce.

The question is, CAN I FORGIVE HER BUT NOT STAYED MARRIED TO HER?

She said she is sorry but I don’t believe she is sorry because I found out and thats where the confession came.
Please help.

—Jacky

First of all, thanks so much for sharing your problems and for taking the time to write out your question. I know that when someone commits adultery, it can be one of the most terrible feelings in the world for the innocent spouse.

I know that finding out all of that information must have been devastating to you and your family. I just want to let you know that God is with you through all of this pain and frustration, and in the end it will all be okay.

This is a great question, and I would like to address several things about this.

What Your Wife Did Was Totally Wrong

Adultery is obviously a big thing the bible preaches against, and this example shows exactly why. I get a lot of people reading articles on this site about marriage and adultery, so I just want to briefly point out all the hurt this sin has caused (and why people should never do this):

• Your wife has hurt you
• Your wife has probably hurt your children
• Your wife killed an innocent child with abortion
• The person your wife was cheating with may be hurt
• There may be even more damage to come

Sin is like a cancer, and it spreads and hurts more and more people. I just point all of this out, for the simple reason that I want people to really see what happens when they choose to partake in the sin of adultery. I hope all people guard themselves against this sin (and all sin), as it never leads to a positive outcome.

Again, I want to commend you and thank you if you have truly been faithful, and don’t forget that God sees your faithfulness and will judge you by your faith and obedience!

Can You Forgive Your Wife and Still Divorce Her?

The bible does have much to say about forgiveness. It constantly says we are to forgive others as God forgives us. After all, if God truly forgives us for the many sins we commit, shouldn’t we also forgive others against the sins they do to us as well? Sure. Here are some verses that deal with forgiveness:

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22 ).

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Does Forgiveness Mean You Have To Remain Married? What Does Forgiveness Mean Anyway?

Forgiveness is an interesting thing to consider, because many times I think Christians often wonder, “What is true forgiveness?” Can we forgive someone, but still demand certain things? Can we forgive someone, but avoid allowing the same thing to happen again?

These are all interesting things to consider, but first let me define forgiveness. Here are a few definitions of the word forgiveness from the web:

•compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
•the act of excusing a mistake or offense
•Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. …

So we see that forgiveness often means the willingness to excuse a mistake, and to not have feelings of resentment, anger, or plans to get revenge. I think the biblical meaning of forgiveness can be summarized by the following:

1. We have compassion towards people and make an honest attempt to let past mistakes “go” and forget about them the best we can and love them again.
2. We do not seek to “get even” or make revenge against someone, vengeance is God’s.
3. In some cases we should no longer expect a person to be punished, but in many cases (even though we forgive), consequences still happen as a result of the sin.

Examples Of Forgiveness with Consequences as a Result of Sin

Even though we are to forgive people as God forgives us, we should also look at God’s actions to help us get a better understanding of what Godly forgiveness is all about.

One thing that we will immediately see is that even though God forgives us for our sins (meaning he holds no record of them in the judgment), we still have to deal with consequences of our actions. Consider these examples:

Adam and eve sinned against God. I think we can all agree that Adam and Eve most likely repented during their life. Did God forgive them? Doesn’t he forgive us all? Yet notice this: He never let them back into the garden, and they had a sharp consequence that lasted their entire lives (death, childbirth pain, struggles, etc.).

Moses sinned against God when he hit the rock with a stick to make water come out (without giving God the credit), and what happened? God didn’t allow Moses to enter the Holy land. He only was able to see it before dying. Yet didn’t God forgive Moses? Surely. But once again, even though God forgave Moses, there was still a consequence of his sin.

David sinned against God when he numbered Israel. David repented, but notice that God still punishes him as a consequence. So in this case, God certainly forgives David, but David must still face a consequence of his sin against God.

In those same ways, I think as Christians we need to forgive all people. At the same time, sometimes the sin itself will make things change (sometimes for a lifetime), and that is a definite consequence of the sin that remains even after forgiveness.

Some More Extreme Examples of Forgiveness

Let’s say a child was molested by an adult. Should that child forgive them when they get older? Sure. Should that molester not face any consequences? Of course they should. Any molester should have to face the justice system of our courts. So even though the child can forgive them in his or her heart, they should NOT place themselves in a situation to be molested again by this person, and they should still report it to the authorities.

Or let’s say a person murdered someone. The victim’s family can forgive the murderer, but does that mean the murderer shouldn’t go to trial and then jail? I think we can all agree that even though the family forgives the murderer, they still must face the consequences of their sin.

And you ask if you can forgive an adulterous spouse, and still divorce them? I think the answer is: Yes, you can forgive someone, and still divorce them as a consequence of the sin. However, divorce may not be the best option, and you must be very cautious about this.

Is Divorce Always the Best Option? Should You Divorce Your Wife?

The bible certainly does say that if you have a spouse cheat on you (adultery), you can seek a divorce. That is God’s word, and God’s laws concerning marriage. But keep in mind that you aren’t required to do so. In fact, if you feel things can be worked out, that is usually the best option.

The tricky part of this situation is the time that has passed. You said you have been married for 13 years, your wife started to cheat 10 years ago, and continued the affair for 3 years (having 5 different times she did this). She stopped in 2002.

Okay, so if my math is right, for the last 7 years (it is now 2009) your wife has NOT been cheating to your knowledge. So what I would consider is this:

• How has your relationship been the past 7 years? Has it been loving and close, or distanced and not good?
• Is your wife willing to stop cheating forever?
• Is your wife genuinely sorry, or does she not really care?
• Do you still love your wife, and does your wife love you?
• Does your wife feel bad about everything and truly feel sorry and regret it?
• How has this affected your relationship, your kids, and so forth
• Are you both willing to work on your relationship and keep it?

I think you should really consider those things very carefully. If your wife is truly sorry, and this happened 7 years ago, perhaps she does feel guilty and wants to be with you.

If you were able to work it out, then I think that may be the best option, especially if your wife wants to remain with you and turn away from her sin. Sometimes a person may commit adultery, and feel terrible. They are able to work it out with their spouse, and the two people are able to move on and have a long and happy marriage.

Other times, the consequences of the adultery are so bad, that divorce is sometimes a better option. Sometimes couples can never overcome the adultery, and it is a constant strain and source of pain and conflict, and divorce eventually happens.

Again, you have children, and a lot of things to really consider. In most cases, divorce is not the best option if it can be avoided. But in some cases, perhaps a divorce would be appropriate.

Just consider all of the pain, frustration, and so forth that can arise during the divorce process. Also, consider how it may affect your children.

Conclusion: Some Final Words on Divorce, and Forgiveness

We are definitely commanded to forgive in the Bible. God forgives us, and we should forgive others. But when someone does something, we can forgive them, but that doesn’t erase the cause and effect consequences of that sin. And while me must forgive over and over, that does NOT mean we must always place ourselves in a situation to be hurt over and over.

God forgave a great many people, yet we see that He still forces us to face the Earthly cause and effect consequences in the examples I provided above.

Your wife certainly did wrong, and I know that must really hurt. You certainly can forgive your wife and still love her, while still exercising your biblical right to divorce.

However, it may not be the best option, especially if you feel your relationship can be resolved. I would pray very hard about this, read scriptures, and talk to Godly friends or a pastor to get more advice. I would be very slow to act, and I would do any and everything I could to resolve this and try to work things out with your wife. If things cannot be resolved, or your wife does this again, then divorce may be appropriate for you.

After all, you certainly wouldn’t want to risk contracting an STD (sexually transmitted disease) or something like this if your wife is not willing to stop this behavior. God has called us to peace and happiness friend.

So in conclusion, I hope everything works out for the best with you, your wife, and your children. I hope God is with you through this, and I am saying a prayer right now as I type this.

Stay strong to God’s word, and let Him guide you. Thanks again, and God bless!

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This is the 3rd and last part of the discussion I have had regarding the issue of remarriage after adultery/divorce. It has been a real pleasure being able to discuss this, and I feel we have walked away having a deeper understanding of each other’s views. For those who may have stumbled onto this page, the other 2 pages can be found below:

Is Remarriage Only Permissible After Death of Spouses?

Is Remarriage Only Permissible After Death of Spouses-Part 2

Here is  Jeff’s last response regarding this issue:

Well, I see we have different views on the one point of the marriage debate…which is fine. I am quite a literalist as well.  I guess I don’t look at it as being a heavy yoke, I look at it more as just ‘what needs to be done’ if I want to follow Christ I guess. 

Kind of like when Jesus told the rich man he must give up everything to follow me…and the rich man was sad because it was too much to ask and turned away.  I agree with your point about David and Bathsheba, that the marriage was made holy by repentance….but I see it that it was repentance within the circumstances the Bible and parameters the Bible sets…about the spouse being dead.

Like I can’t repent of being in a homosexual relationship without ending it. That makes sense to my ‘non-realistic’ way of thinking.haha. I guess because there are no examples of holy remarriages between divorced people when their spouses are alive while there is at least some evidence that would support such unions being unholy, I like to error on the side of caution. That’s my conservative, accountant side. haha.

Again, it would be nice, more mainstream, and a lot easier if I saw it differently, but I just don’t see the allowance for it outside of certain circumstances and examples.  To answer your question about the muti-marriage and divorce scenario, I guess I think the offendor would have to ask the offendee for forgiveness and ask what the offendee’s wishes would be…if the offendee says that’s it because of what you’ve done…then the offendee has grounds to divorce. 

However, if the offendee puts their arms around the offender and says, “I’ve been faithfully praying for you and the restoration of our marriage and family and I forgive you and will work to reconcile” Well, to me, that’s what it’s all about…and it’s certainly not the offendees fault the offendor went out and got married. I could go on and on with my points and reasoning….it just seems pretty clear to me to be right on many levels…but that’s me….it’s not like I go around condemning people…

I have divorced friends and I just try to be a friend and share God’s word when I can–that’s not even part of the discussion.
As for the Muslims, etc.—Agree! I just come from the mindset that some things God instructs us to do or not to do are hard to hear and hard to do….the whole dying to one’s self principle–It’s just a struggle.

Here’s a question…what if…a homosexual couple adopted four children…and for this example…they formrd a great ‘family’….happy, well-adjusted, secure, etc….they repent of their sin….would you tell them they have to break up their ‘family’, split the household they built together?  Make the children upset? What good would all that do?I would say yes, they need to do that. They really had no Godly right to form that relationship in the first place.  I view remarriage outside the examples in scripture similarly.  I really see no difference.  I know, I know…pretty strict….that’s just how I roll..haha. Well, thanks again…I’ll have to hit you up on some different topics hopefully. I like your insight. Take care and God bless.

Final Comments Regarding Divorce, Remarriage, and Adultery

I will try and make this a little more brief than the other articles, simply because I feel that you and I have said about everything we can about the issue. I basically just want to add a few additional comments, answer the question you posed, and say a few final words.

I still hold to my stance on this issue, and I completely understand that you do as well. Again, it is wonderful (in my opinion), when Christians (or even people of other faiths) can discuss differences in a polite and positive way, but at the same time remain bonded in Christ. I would venture to say we have done that with this issue.

My first comment is about the Jesus & Rich man comment you made. I agree with you that there is certainly a price to pay to follow God and to follow Christ. Sometimes we do indeed have to make dramatic sacrifices. We really have it lucky today considering we don’t have to suffer like Jesus or his early followers did.

That being said, again, I think this verse really doesn’t apply to everyone. Again, I understand the point you are trying to make (being that if we must do something dramatic to follow Christ, so be it). But again, I don’t know of any Christian who lives on the streets and gives up everything. I don’t really think God requires that today.

When Jesus spoke this thing, it was because it was of utmost importance to spread the gospel at this point of time. Many of the early followers sold what they had to follow Christ. But does this apply today? I don’t really think so. We aren’t required to sell everything we have, but we still have many important duties as Christians serving God.

Also, this is a direct command from Christ, and the issue we are talking about is a little more ambiguous in the scriptures (and doesn’t directly address this particular issue clearly on what is considered true repentance). So of course we can pay that high price of following God and Christ when we have a direct command. But in this case, is it necessary to pay such a heavy price without a direct and clear scriptural teaching? I am not so sure.

So while I understand and agree with you to a point (that if God says do something, we must regardless of the effort or consequences), I still don’t think this applies to the marriage situation as much as we would like.

Final Words on David and Bathsheba’s Marriage

Again, to summarize my final views on David & Bathsheba’s marriage. I suppose it would be that it is the closest account of a marriage built on adultery, murder, and other sins. Yet God does sanctify it and make it holy. This occurs after repentance, not death. So the repentance is what is most important, not the death in my view.

I do see your point about the parameters Uriah’s death being of importance. But then again, I see it as if Uriah wasn’t dead, only 2 basic options would have played out:

1. Bathsheba leaves David and reconciles with Uriah (in which case they could all repent and be fine).

2. Uriah writes Bathsheba a certificate of divorce (which would have been his right), and she would remained with David and married him. In this situation, I still see the marriage between David and Bathsheba as being valid since Deuteronomy cites a woman remarrying after the husband sends her away, and she isn’t stoned or classified as an adulterer.

There are other possible scenarios (such as Uriah wants to reconcile and Bathsheba refuses), but again, the time factor would resolve this almost certainly within a few months (as Uriah would eventually move on and divorce her anyway).

So I still think that anyway you cut this example, I see that it could have worked out to allow for true repentance in some way.

About the Mainstream Support of My Views on This:

I didn’t mean to imply in any way that because the mainstream seems to agree that I am “right and you’re wrong.” I certainly disagree with a lot of mainstream ideas too (including those of Billy Graham and others on other issues).

But again, I just wanted to illustrate that I wasn’t being David Koresh-ish (hehe) in my views. They aren’t that far out there on this issue, and do have biblical support and even the support of respected Christian groups.

Again, this doesn’t mean necessarily my view is right and yours is wrong, I was just showing I wasn’t a total nut job in my conclusions (hehe).

Other Circumstances on Remarriage, Divorce, Adultery

I also just want to make clear that I am totally against adultery in all circumstances. You gave an example of a woman sitting and crying and wanting to reconcile with a husband.  I am totally for reconciliation when a couple splits up, and that is the best option. If they can’t, they should remain single. We agree (I think) that the scripture is pretty clear on this.

But again, once they have remarried, I think that breaks the bond significantly enough and the other person SHOULD move on after a point (months at the most). I don’t think it would be mentally healthy to hold on for a long time like you suggest, and again, this introduces the “time factor” I have mentioned.

So again, I agree with you up to a point, and I guess our only difference on this issue is the point where reconciliation between a marriage doesn’t work, and the people have permanently decided to move on.

I myself too know a lot of people who have divorced (and it is really unfortunate). But surprisingly, almost all but a few have no resentment or hard feelings. They certainly don’t sit and cry or pray to reconcile at this point. I have even asked some if they would ever marry their original spouse again, and most are usually strongly opposed to the idea (even though the remain friends with their divorced ex-spouse). They even say they wouldn’t mind at all if the other did re-marry.

Also, there is actually one more variable in all of this that we DIDN’T consider or bring up, and I will briefly mention it: Polygamy.

Obviously I am no big fan of it and I wouldn’t condone this at all in today’s time. But it is interesting that historically God did apparently condone this (with David and Solomon for example). I don’t think God ever fully approved, but at least condoned it for whatever reason.

So it is an interesting variable that we didn’t really bring up previously. If a man put away his wife, married another, could he have reconciled with the old one while keeping the new one in the historical context (and had 2 wives)? So maybe it is a good idea that the Bible doesn’t mention this instance, lol.

But I don’t think we should even get into that issue because that isn’t legal today, or even a good idea at all in today’s time. God created Adam and Eve for marriage, not Adam, Eve, Jenny, and Sandra. I think it is clear that God means for 1 man and 1 woman to be together. That is the safest and best way to have a family.

About Your Question Regarding Homosexuality and Remarriage

That’s a great question you asked, and I would be happy to answer it. I don’t think it weakens my stance at all, and I will explain why.

In your example, the homosexual people absolutely would need to stop, simply because homosexuality is never condoned under any circumstance at all by God (regarldess if society says it is okay). So to illustrate this here is a comparison:

Marriage Between a Man and a Woman:

• Is condoned by God and blessed by God.
• God DOES allow for cases of divorce and remarriage (as in the case of remarriage by an innocent spouse who was cheated on).
• God DID sanctify David and Bathsheba’s marriage even though it was initially founded on murder and adultery (and they continued in their sexual relationship).

In Contrast: Homosexual Relationships:

• They are NEVER condoned by God (even if the state/government permits it)
• They are condemned by God in OT and NT
• It is impossible to ever continue in this and it NOT be a sin. In contrast, the bible clearly presents instances where a couple can continue in a remarriage and it isn’t a sin.

So as you can see, that is a great example, but there are sharp differences in the two. So to answer: The people should absolutely stop or divorce if they have a homosexual relationship. They can still be involved with kids, and even be on friendly terms, but a sexual relationship/marriage between people of the same sex is out of the question.

Why? Because the bible never condones it, and gives several warnings against it. If they continue in this, they sin every time (as it is never blessed by God for sexual relations of the same sex).

In contrast, I would not encourage repentant husbands and wives  to divorce in the example I gave you last time. What good does it do? I can’t think of any. It breaks up a home. It doesn’t take away the past hurt. It doesn’t make the past mistake right. And sex between a man and a woman in a marraige is fine. The older spouses would have likely moved on. In God’s eyes, I think they are forgiven like David and Bathsheba were if they truly repent. So I think that type of marriage CAN be made Holy, whereas a homosexual marriage/relationship CANNOT.

The heterosexual marriage can even continue with a sexual relationship because David and Bathsheba did, and it was not considered sinful. It’s the only biblical example we have, and I think it validates it. We only make an assumption that the death of Uriah made it right, but I think it was repentance. If Uriah had lived, she would need to either reconcile with him, or divorce.

So this is easy to answer, because sex between 2 men or 2 women are never ever permitted, whereas remarriage after divorce (man and woman) is. Again, there is nothing wrong with 2 men to “love” each other, or have friendships. But sexual relationships are out of the question. Jesus loved his disciples, but certainly didn’t lay with them!

And I don’t really think people who embrace homosexuality should adopt at all. It isn’t a proper environment for a child to be raised at all in my opinion, and it opens the door to scorn by other people, and potentially mental confusion for the child, ridicule, and more. But that is a different issue altogether.

Conclusion: Just a Few Final Words

I just want to thank you again Jeff. It was a pleasure discussing this topic, reviewing sripture, and so forth. I still believe my view, and you still believe yours. That is totally fine, and I completely respect that.

One thing is for sure: I am SO GLAD I don’t have to deal with this issue personally! LOL. It kinda gives me a headache to get into all these specifics sometimes. I am glad me and my wife have both only been married to each other, and serve God. Death is the only thing that will break my marriage, and that is for sure. So luckily, this is one issue I will never have to face.

I think we can both agree on this point: If you get married, stay married! If we do that, everything else can be avoided. When we made vows to our spouses and God, we should honor them. When we break these vows, it invites strife, trouble, and sin.

If anything ever pops up in the future that you want to discuss, I would be happy to hear from you. Otherwise, thanks again so much and God bless you and your family.

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