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I had a great question come in yesterday regarding divorce and adultery, which is a huge issue in both Christianity and the world today. Here is the question:

I have been married for 13 years with 3 children(DNA proven)
I am totally faithful to my wife since we got married and my vows are clean till now. 10 years ago my wife went to sleep with a married man from 1999-2002.

Since 2002 she break ties with the lover after the abortion.
They slept 5x together and the fifth time my wife invited him to our home when I was away. The end scenario my wife got pregnant,took my money and Abort the baby for fear of being caught or loosing me.

Since then,it has been kept secret and I never knew about it. Last month I got a hint from a friend, I asked my wife and she confess to all and ask for forgiveness. I am a believer and i know i have biblical grounds for divorce.

The question is, CAN I FORGIVE HER BUT NOT STAYED MARRIED TO HER?

She said she is sorry but I don’t believe she is sorry because I found out and thats where the confession came.
Please help.

—Jacky

First of all, thanks so much for sharing your problems and for taking the time to write out your question. I know that when someone commits adultery, it can be one of the most terrible feelings in the world for the innocent spouse.

I know that finding out all of that information must have been devastating to you and your family. I just want to let you know that God is with you through all of this pain and frustration, and in the end it will all be okay.

This is a great question, and I would like to address several things about this.

What Your Wife Did Was Totally Wrong

Adultery is obviously a big thing the bible preaches against, and this example shows exactly why. I get a lot of people reading articles on this site about marriage and adultery, so I just want to briefly point out all the hurt this sin has caused (and why people should never do this):

• Your wife has hurt you
• Your wife has probably hurt your children
• Your wife killed an innocent child with abortion
• The person your wife was cheating with may be hurt
• There may be even more damage to come

Sin is like a cancer, and it spreads and hurts more and more people. I just point all of this out, for the simple reason that I want people to really see what happens when they choose to partake in the sin of adultery. I hope all people guard themselves against this sin (and all sin), as it never leads to a positive outcome.

Again, I want to commend you and thank you if you have truly been faithful, and don’t forget that God sees your faithfulness and will judge you by your faith and obedience!

Can You Forgive Your Wife and Still Divorce Her?

The bible does have much to say about forgiveness. It constantly says we are to forgive others as God forgives us. After all, if God truly forgives us for the many sins we commit, shouldn’t we also forgive others against the sins they do to us as well? Sure. Here are some verses that deal with forgiveness:

“Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).

“Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times’” (Matthew 18:21-22 ).

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32).

“For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” (Matthew 6:14).

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 1 Corinthians 13:4-5

Does Forgiveness Mean You Have To Remain Married? What Does Forgiveness Mean Anyway?

Forgiveness is an interesting thing to consider, because many times I think Christians often wonder, “What is true forgiveness?” Can we forgive someone, but still demand certain things? Can we forgive someone, but avoid allowing the same thing to happen again?

These are all interesting things to consider, but first let me define forgiveness. Here are a few definitions of the word forgiveness from the web:

•compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
•the act of excusing a mistake or offense
•Forgiveness is typically defined as the process of concluding resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, difference or mistake, and ceasing to demand punishment or restitution. …

So we see that forgiveness often means the willingness to excuse a mistake, and to not have feelings of resentment, anger, or plans to get revenge. I think the biblical meaning of forgiveness can be summarized by the following:

1. We have compassion towards people and make an honest attempt to let past mistakes “go” and forget about them the best we can and love them again.
2. We do not seek to “get even” or make revenge against someone, vengeance is God’s.
3. In some cases we should no longer expect a person to be punished, but in many cases (even though we forgive), consequences still happen as a result of the sin.

Examples Of Forgiveness with Consequences as a Result of Sin

Even though we are to forgive people as God forgives us, we should also look at God’s actions to help us get a better understanding of what Godly forgiveness is all about.

One thing that we will immediately see is that even though God forgives us for our sins (meaning he holds no record of them in the judgment), we still have to deal with consequences of our actions. Consider these examples:

Adam and eve sinned against God. I think we can all agree that Adam and Eve most likely repented during their life. Did God forgive them? Doesn’t he forgive us all? Yet notice this: He never let them back into the garden, and they had a sharp consequence that lasted their entire lives (death, childbirth pain, struggles, etc.).

Moses sinned against God when he hit the rock with a stick to make water come out (without giving God the credit), and what happened? God didn’t allow Moses to enter the Holy land. He only was able to see it before dying. Yet didn’t God forgive Moses? Surely. But once again, even though God forgave Moses, there was still a consequence of his sin.

David sinned against God when he numbered Israel. David repented, but notice that God still punishes him as a consequence. So in this case, God certainly forgives David, but David must still face a consequence of his sin against God.

In those same ways, I think as Christians we need to forgive all people. At the same time, sometimes the sin itself will make things change (sometimes for a lifetime), and that is a definite consequence of the sin that remains even after forgiveness.

Some More Extreme Examples of Forgiveness

Let’s say a child was molested by an adult. Should that child forgive them when they get older? Sure. Should that molester not face any consequences? Of course they should. Any molester should have to face the justice system of our courts. So even though the child can forgive them in his or her heart, they should NOT place themselves in a situation to be molested again by this person, and they should still report it to the authorities.

Or let’s say a person murdered someone. The victim’s family can forgive the murderer, but does that mean the murderer shouldn’t go to trial and then jail? I think we can all agree that even though the family forgives the murderer, they still must face the consequences of their sin.

And you ask if you can forgive an adulterous spouse, and still divorce them? I think the answer is: Yes, you can forgive someone, and still divorce them as a consequence of the sin. However, divorce may not be the best option, and you must be very cautious about this.

Is Divorce Always the Best Option? Should You Divorce Your Wife?

The bible certainly does say that if you have a spouse cheat on you (adultery), you can seek a divorce. That is God’s word, and God’s laws concerning marriage. But keep in mind that you aren’t required to do so. In fact, if you feel things can be worked out, that is usually the best option.

The tricky part of this situation is the time that has passed. You said you have been married for 13 years, your wife started to cheat 10 years ago, and continued the affair for 3 years (having 5 different times she did this). She stopped in 2002.

Okay, so if my math is right, for the last 7 years (it is now 2009) your wife has NOT been cheating to your knowledge. So what I would consider is this:

• How has your relationship been the past 7 years? Has it been loving and close, or distanced and not good?
• Is your wife willing to stop cheating forever?
• Is your wife genuinely sorry, or does she not really care?
• Do you still love your wife, and does your wife love you?
• Does your wife feel bad about everything and truly feel sorry and regret it?
• How has this affected your relationship, your kids, and so forth
• Are you both willing to work on your relationship and keep it?

I think you should really consider those things very carefully. If your wife is truly sorry, and this happened 7 years ago, perhaps she does feel guilty and wants to be with you.

If you were able to work it out, then I think that may be the best option, especially if your wife wants to remain with you and turn away from her sin. Sometimes a person may commit adultery, and feel terrible. They are able to work it out with their spouse, and the two people are able to move on and have a long and happy marriage.

Other times, the consequences of the adultery are so bad, that divorce is sometimes a better option. Sometimes couples can never overcome the adultery, and it is a constant strain and source of pain and conflict, and divorce eventually happens.

Again, you have children, and a lot of things to really consider. In most cases, divorce is not the best option if it can be avoided. But in some cases, perhaps a divorce would be appropriate.

Just consider all of the pain, frustration, and so forth that can arise during the divorce process. Also, consider how it may affect your children.

Conclusion: Some Final Words on Divorce, and Forgiveness

We are definitely commanded to forgive in the Bible. God forgives us, and we should forgive others. But when someone does something, we can forgive them, but that doesn’t erase the cause and effect consequences of that sin. And while me must forgive over and over, that does NOT mean we must always place ourselves in a situation to be hurt over and over.

God forgave a great many people, yet we see that He still forces us to face the Earthly cause and effect consequences in the examples I provided above.

Your wife certainly did wrong, and I know that must really hurt. You certainly can forgive your wife and still love her, while still exercising your biblical right to divorce.

However, it may not be the best option, especially if you feel your relationship can be resolved. I would pray very hard about this, read scriptures, and talk to Godly friends or a pastor to get more advice. I would be very slow to act, and I would do any and everything I could to resolve this and try to work things out with your wife. If things cannot be resolved, or your wife does this again, then divorce may be appropriate for you.

After all, you certainly wouldn’t want to risk contracting an STD (sexually transmitted disease) or something like this if your wife is not willing to stop this behavior. God has called us to peace and happiness friend.

So in conclusion, I hope everything works out for the best with you, your wife, and your children. I hope God is with you through this, and I am saying a prayer right now as I type this.

Stay strong to God’s word, and let Him guide you. Thanks again, and God bless!

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The concept of orignal sin is sometimes taken out of context and even teached in a way that isn’t biblical by some churches or religious organizations. Here is a great question I recently received about original sin:

I have a question about “original sin”

I was taught that all humans are born with “original sin” because Adam and Eve sinned against God. That that is the purpose of baptism, so that we can cleanse ourselves of that sin.

My question is why we are all born with that sin. It seems like a baby should be born pure, since it hasn’t done anything prior to being born. Does this mean that it’s a sin to be born??

Please clear this up for me ad I’ve been rolling it around in my head for the past few days and I haven’t been able to come to a good conclusion. Thanks!!

Thanks for the great question. First of all, I want to talk for a minute about the original sin concept, whether we are affected by it, and so forth.

What is Original Sin Anyways? What Does the Bible Say the Original Sin Is?

When people say “original sin,” they are usually referring to the sin of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden. As most people know, they committed the sin of disobedience by eating from the forbidded tree of knowledge of good and evil.

As a consequence of their “original sin,” God gave them death, and also banished them from the garden. So this event is considered the “original sin.”

Why Are We Sinners From Adam & Eve’s Sin? That Isn’t Fair?

Some churches or Christian denominations teach that because of Adam & Eve’s sin, we are all “born” sinners. This isn’t believed by all Christians, and I will explain that in a minute. The bible never teaches we are born “sinners.” In fact, the bible teaches that a child is innocent in the eyes of God. If we were all born sinners, then when a child died it would be sent to hell.

I think any logical person can see that God would never do such a thing. In fact, God & Jesus mention several times in the Bible that a child is innocent and belogs to heaven:

Matthew 19:14 (New International Version)
14Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”

What people mean (or should mean) when they talk about original sin is that we are all born “Under the Consequence of Sin.” There is a big difference being born a sinner, and being born under the consequence of sin. This means while not born sinners, we do have a sinful nature.

Being born a sinner means we have done evil from the womb, and are already sinning. This just doesn’t make sense, and the bible doesn’t teach it. I don’t even remember my life before the age of about 4-5 years. How could I have consciously sinned?

Being born under the consequence of sin, means we are born under consequences of a sin by someone else. We share in the nature of sin, meaning we have the ability to sin. This means while we aren’t born sinners, we have to live with another sinner’s mistake. This is just how life works, and we know this is true.

Pretend a woman committs a sin, and sleeps with multiple men. She gets an STD, and also becomes pregnant. Her child will most likely get the STD during birth.

Using the example above, did the child sin? No, of course not. Was the child born under the consequence of a sin, and feels the effects of it? Yes. The child didn’t sin, but the child did have to live with a consequence of another person’s sin.

In that same way, we have to live with the consequence of Adam & Eve’s sin. What is the consequence? Death. We all die. But death is not the end. We also live with a sinful “nature” now.

I Thought the Bible Said We Are All Sinners?

The bible does teach we are all sinners, and if we have lived long enough, we have all at some point sinned. It says we have all fallen short of the glory of God. What does this mean? It means that while no person is “born a sinner,” we all have committed a sin during our life and have a sinful nature. The only exception would be a person with a mental illness, or a child who died very young. They did not have the ability to choose between right and wrong. But for us who have lived long enough to choose right and wrong, at some point we have done wrong.

We have all lied at some point? Or broken another one of God’s laws. Jesus was unique because he had the knowledge and ability to sin, yet didn’t. Children don’t have the ability to sin, and don’t sin. Jesus did have that ability, but chose not to. Also, remember that the Bible teaches of people’s names being blotted out of the book of life. So we aren’t written into it, we are only blotted out when we sin.

What gets our names in this so called, “book of life?” Forgiveness of our sins. We can call of the sinlessness and death of Christ, and God forgives us. God gave Christ the authority to cleanse our sins. So in Christ, we have salvation. Salvation just means, God forgives us and we are saved from judgment. We once again become sinless in God’s eyes. We must continue to live a life of obedience to God’s fundamental laws.

What About Baptism? Are We Supposed to Be Baptized for Being Born Sinners?

Again, different Christian denominations may view this differently, but the bible if very clear on baptism, who should do it, and what it means.

Baptism was meant as a declaration of your faith in God, and as a symbol of your forgiveness of sins. If you were baptized, you just publicly showed that you were “cleansed” of you sin, and that you are vowing obedience to God, and to follow the teachings of his son Jesus.

Being baptized does not mean we are covered for life. We can be baptized and then sin, and we have once again broken God’s laws. We must then repent and ask for forgiveness and turn away from the sin.

Should Everyone Get Baptized? Can You Go to Heaven If You Aren’t Baptized?

Getting baptized itself is great, and I would recommend someone do it if possible. I have been baptized myself once. However, it is not an absolute requirement. The most important thing is to seek forgiveness from God of sins, and repent (which means “turn away” or “stop doing”) of those sins. Some people call this baptism by the spirit of God.

The thief on the cross was about to die, and said to Jesus, “Will you remember me.” Jesus replied, “Verily I say unto you, today thou shalt be with me in paradise.” Yet, the man wasn’t baptized with water.

Conclusions on Original Sin & Baptism:

The bible clearly shows we are born under the consequence of sin, not that we are “born sinners.” Children are seen as sinless in God’s eyes. We all have a sinful nature, and have all fallen short of the glory of God. We all should seek forgiveness of our sins, and turn away from them and follow God’s laws.

Baptism, while a great way to show your public acceptance of God & Christ, is not an absolute requirement for forgiveness. Instead, it is only a public declaration of your change. It represents being “cleansed.” You old sins and life are now gone, and you are born again.

Thanks again for the great question!

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Posted under Ask a Question, Uncategorized, sin