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Whew, I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been blogging as much as usual. However, I am going to try and catch up over the next 2 or 3 days on a few questions and some things I have wanted to post about.

I have a question regarding faith and relationship problems. Here is the question:

Hi,

I have been recently browsing through some sites regarding Christianity in general to try to understand how it works.

I am a non-believer however my long term boyfriend is a strong Christian. We have had our differences but I believe that we have over come them and I am accepting of his beliefs.

Recently he has chosen to end our relationship due to fact he believes that our relationship has blurred his vision and turned him away. He has explained that he cannot be with a non-christian who does not have the same values as him. I am a good person, I believe in the values of Christianity I just do not believe in God and choose not to follow this religion, I have been brought up in a Roman Catholic family,I went to Catholic schools and went to church every weekend with my father until I was 18 I understand how it works and have adopted these values just not the religion itself.

How can I make him see that I am not a saint but not a sinner either and stop the discrimination and resent he has towards me?

–Jess

First, thanks so much for the question Jess. I really appreciate your taking the time to share your story! Inter-faith relationships are a big issue in the world, and it can have a big impact on relationships.

To first consider this whole situation, I would like to backup for a moment and discuss why faith is such a big deal in relationships, and why your boyfriend may feel the way he does.

Why Faith Is An Important Part of Relationships

Faith is but one component of a relationship, however, it is a very important one. Just consider for a moment how many things can affect a relationship in a big way.

Just consider career paths as an example. If one person wants a career traveling as a model, and the other person wants to pursue a career locally, that will create a division among the two  people. Either one will have to compromise to fit the other’s goals, or they will each pursue their own goals, and there will be a division or growing apart.

It is difficult to maintain a long-distance relationship, so it isn’t too hard to see that a strong difference in career paths can create tension and problems in a relationship.

Or consider money. One person may enjoy their low-paying job, and be content with what they have. Another may want a better lifestyle, and more money. Money and finances can also be a big cause of separation and conflict in a relationship.

So as you can see, there are so many things that can affect a relationship. However, faith is perhaps even more important than those other things. Why is that? Faith governs your entire life. It is the lens by which we look out and evaluate things.

So when people have 2 completely different world-views, it can create a very big conflict between them. One person may pray regularly, the other may think they are silly for praying. These things can lead to frustration and tension in a relationship.

Inter-faith relationships can and do sometimes workout, however, I would say that people that share the same faiths are generally going to be more close and have better chances of sticking together compared to those who do not.

Why Does Your Boyfriend Feel It May Be Best to Separate?

The bible does speak a great deal about interfaith marriages and relationships. I think if you can read and understand those verses, it will help you to understand why your boyfriend may feel the way he does.

I have written an article on this topic here, and it has quite a few of the scriptures so that you may get a better understanding of where he is coming from.

But let me just say that people rarely separate for just 1 reason. Usually there are several reasons why a person may choose to end a relationship. You did say you and your boyfriend have had many differences you have tried to resolve, so perhaps your boyfriend feels there are simply too many differences and that the relationship isn’t working out.

Faith is probably a big reason, but you also must consider the possibilities that you and your boyfriend perhaps don’t have as much in common as you think, or you may have had so many problems and conflicts, that your boyfriend may see that the relationship just won’t last a lifetime.

So I think it would be beneficial to sit down and have a long conversation with your boyfriend and discuss your feelings, and hear his feelings, and see why he feels he wants to break up. Is faith the only reason? Or is there more to it?

One of the BIG keys in a relationship is communication. My wife and I sometimes have differences, but we always sit down and maturely discuss things in depth. We always love each other and come to a compromise. That is the key to a successful relationship, and the bible has much to say on these principles.

Why Not Convert to Christianity or Believe in God?

You lost me on this one, because you start out saying you don’t know how Christianity works, and then you finish by saying you were Catholic until you were 18 and you do know how it works. So which is it? LOL.

Anyway, you say that you believe and follow the values of Christianity, but you don’t believe in God, and don’t follow it. So my question to you would be, Why Not?

Why don’t you believe in God? Why do you reject the idea of a following God? I know that many people are sometimes skeptical, or get confused about something and lose their faith.

But there more than enough reasons to believe God exists, and more than enough reasons to follow Christianity. Christianity does not require a blind faith. It is a logical and reasonable faith, with plenty of logic, reasoning, and evidence to support it.

If you believe and follow the values of Christianity, why not have faith in God as well?

Suppose one day you rented a car. And the car rental clerk told you that you get free insurance for the car you are renting, and all you have to do is simply check the box on the rental form.

You think about it for a while and say, “Nah, I don’t believe I will have a wreck.” The rental clerk looks at you and says, “But ma’am, the insurance is totally free, you just have to check the box.”

You then say, “Look, I believe in the values of driving safely, and I don’t break the law when I drive. But I just don’t believe in insurance, and so I will not check the box.”

I think we can all agree that there would be no real reason to neglect checking the box for the free insurance. If you wreck, you will regret not getting the free insurance. If you don’t wreck, it will give you peace of mind.

So if you believe and follow the values of Christianity, why not have faith God exists? Why not check the “faith box” and believe in God? Why not follow Christ?

Consider the Alternatives for a Moment

Just consider the pros and cons of believing in God and following Christ:

Pros:

• If God does exist (which I believe totally), then you have made the best decision in your life and avoided the consequences of rejecting God.
• You and your boyfriend may be able to have a stronger relationship and work things out.
• It may completely change your life for the better. When I made the firm decision to follow Christ, I can’t even explain how much it changed me and still changes me every day. It was by far the best decision I have ever made.

Cons:

• If you reject God, you may have to face judgement.
• If you reject God, it may continue to create conflict and problems in your relationship with your current boyfriend.
• You may never find the peace and comfort that so many get from following Christ.

My Challenge to You: Follow Christ and Give Yourself to God for 30 Days

I would challenge you to do this one thing: For 30 days, live your life as if God truly exists. Give complete faith to it. Completely follow all aspects of the faith. Have a totally open mind and simply give a good research effort into the faith.

At the end of the 30 days, see how you feel. Do you feel more positive? Do you feel as if you are gaining something from it? Do you feel the love working inside of you?

During this 30 days, try to really think of why you don’t believe in God. What is it? Do you believe in evolution? Do you think the bible is a bunch of myths? What are the reasons why you reject God?

Write those reasons down, and give an honest research effort to each of those questions. I will even be glad to answer any questions you may have. If you address every single reason why you have no faith, you may find that you that your lack of faith in God has no real basis.

In other words, you may find that the reasons you rejected God weren’t very good reasons, and in fact, it may make a lot more sense to follow God. And this won’t cost you 1 dime! You can do this for free, and see if it is worth committing your life to.

All I can say is that it was totally worth it for me, and every single person I have ever known that truly turned to God has been so much happier and complete as a person.

Conclusion: Final Words on Your Relationship and Faith

I would just like to say that I truly hope you and your boyfriend can resolve your differences. I do think you should try to understand why he feels the way he feels.

I think you should both try very hard to work things out, compromise, and communicate to resolve your differences. Faith is a big deal in relationships, and it sometimes creates such differences that people simply do not want to be together any more. And I certainly would recommend that people work these things out BEFORE ever considering marriage or children.

But in any event, I hope you and your boyfriend can resolve your differences and you are able to work things out. I wish you both the best of luck.

And finally, I hope you really consider evaluating your faith in God. Look at the reasons why you don’t believe and be critical of those reasons. Look at the evidence for God. And try to follow God and fully trust in His word for 30 days to see what happens.

I hope that you do turn your life to Christ, and I wish you the best of luck. Thanks again for the question, and God bless.

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Posted under bible questions, marriage and divorce

I think marriages are so great! They are a blessing from God, and God knows how much joy a successful marriage can bring to a person’s life. Right now as I write this, I can hardly wait for my wife to return. She is my best friend, and we always have so much fun together.

Anyway, I have had so many questions about marriage lately that I thought I would write a few tips on how NOT to have a successful marriage. On each point below, I will tell the ways to quickly end your marriage. Under each point, I will describe why that will end your marriage, and actually you shouldn’t do it.

How did I come up with this list? This is merely observation from couples that I have read about through the years or known. My wife’s grandparents will soon be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. My wife and I have been together for a total of 8 years (married for 3 1/2 at this point in time). So this list also comes from my own observations in my marriage, as well as others.

Of course, I hate divorce as much as God does, and I would like to have everyone stay married for life, so please strive to stay with your spouse until death! You made a vow to God and each other!

10 Ways to Destroy Your Marriage, Get a Divorce, and Ruin Your Life:

1. Never Spend Quality Time Together– Why on Earth should you spend time with your spouse anyway? You have lots of friends, acquaintances, gadgets, work, and goals in life. They are just there if you need them. Instead, seek out your own desires and kick them to the curb until you need them. NOT.

Obviously, spending time is very important. It gives a couple time to connect. I often share my goals, dreams, fears, and thoughts with my wife several times a week. We also play games together, joke around, watch movies, and more. We are each other’s “therapist.” We talk about our problems, and help each other sort them out. We pray together, and we read the bible together and take turns.

Paul stresses the importance of caring and loving each other in Ephesians chapter 5. He says this, “After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.” This means to truly care and love for each other. Love you spouse as yourself. If you don’t neglect yourself, don’t neglect your spouse.

It is extremely important to remember to budget time with your spouse. I know that everyone is “SO BUSY” these days with jobs, school, friends, and so forth. But we can always make time for our spouse, and we should!

By the way, it is great to have friends in life, but you should value and love your spouse above all others. Only God and Christ should come before your spouse. Love all people, but place your spouse at the head of your relationships, just as Christ is at the head of the church.

2. Never Communicate Your Feelings– After all, you have probably been married for a while. At this point your spouse should be able to read your thoughts. Why on earth should you have to take the time to communicate your feelings and thoughts? Ugh! That would take too much effort. Instead, a couple should just “wing it” and never talk unless they get really mad. Then they should just insult the spouse.

In reality, communication is one of the keys to a successful marriage. Spouses aren’t mind readers, regardless of how long you have been married. Take the time to discuss things you like and dislike. If your spouse does something that bothers you, talk about it in a mature and sensitive manner. Don’t just let your feelings bottle up and then explode one day.

Instead, keep an open line of communication between you and your spouse. Be able to sit down. This may be very hard for some couples, but if you take the time to force yourselves to do it, you will develop a great habit that will help you resolve your differences and understand each other’s views and thoughts.

Do you pray? As a Christian you should consistently pray and communicate with God. As a husband or wife, you should also communicate with your spouse on a regular basis.

3. Never Ever Compromise– It should be your way or the highway. After all, a marriage is 100-0, not 50-50 like some suggest. This world is all about you, you, you. Who cares if your spouse doesn’t want something? Who cares if they do want something? What truly matters is what you want in life, right?

Wrong. A marriage should be a compromising entity. While the husband may be the “leader” of the marriage, that doesn’t mean he is an unfair leader. Both individuals should take the time to compromise and consider each other’s feelings, desires, goals, and so forth.

Remember, the apostle Paul even said, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights.” This is for both spouses. We should compromise and give and take equally.

It would be wrong if one person gets their way all the time, and the other never has a say in anything. Instead, alternate and allow each other to get your way sometimes. Set up a way to allow easy compromise. For example, make a plan of who does what chores around the house. Allow one spouse to choose the meal for the day, and the other gets to choose the next day. Life is about compromise.

So don’t be greedy, and allow the other spouse to have their way sometimes too. It isn’t hard, it just takes a little effort. Remember, a marriage is 50-50, not 100-0.

4. Flirt and Talk About How Attractive Other People Are– Nothing says, “I LOVE YOU” to your spouse like flirting with other people, and talking about how attractive other people are. In fact, you should make sure to point out how other people are far more attractive than your own spouse every chance you get, and flirt with them heavily. Who cares what your spouse thinks! It is just so much fun to do it.

Not. This is a great way to really hurt someone’s feelings. I know that I wouldn’t appreciate it if my wife told me how much better looking a person was than me. Nor would my wife appreciate me saying that about another woman, or flirting with another woman.

Jesus even warns against this, and said that if a man lusts after another woman in his own heart, he has already committed adultery (that goes for the ladies too). Adultery is a very serious sin. So you should avoid this behavior from the start, and stay in the habit of avoiding it.

I know this is very hard for people to do, but if you can completely avoid flirting with the opposite sex, and talking about other people’s attractiveness, it can work wonders for your marriage. Almost every successful marriage I know, the people focus on each other, not everyone else.

Of course there are other attractive people in the world, but you made a commitment to YOUR spouse. So honor that commitment. Love your own spouse. Compliment them. Flirt with them. Talk about how attractive they are. Always keep the focus on your spouse, just like you should always keep your focus on God.

5. Never Ever Have Sex–Eewww, how gross is sex anyway? Another great marriage killer is to ensure you never ever (under any circumstance) have sex with your spouse. This is a big no no if you want a happy marriage. Sex will do all sorts of terrible things to your marriage. It has been shown to bring couples close together, strengthen the bond, and other terrible things. NOT.

God made us sexual creatures. One of the first command he gave Adam and Eve was to “Be fruitful and Multiply.” Sex is a great thing as long as we follow God’s rules for sex. Sex in a marriage between 1 man and 1 woman is God’s blessing for us. It feels great, it brings us close. It intensifies emotions, and it is the ultimate expression of love.

Sex is a sacred bond that you should only share with your spouse. This ensures that you will have a bond that you share with no other person in this world. This will bond you two together, and keep your marriage strong. So have great sex…God has approved of it already!

6. Criticize and Insult Your Spouse– Make sure to tell your spouse how big of an idiot they are. Also, let them know all of their flaws and shortcomings on a regular basis. When they forget to do a chore, make sure to mock them really badly to let them know you think they are ignorant. This will ensure that your spouse will become upset with you, and help you to end your marriage quicker.

In reality, criticism and insults really harm a marriage and the individual who is receiving the criticism. It can hurt people’s feelings, make them feel unloved, unwanted, or stupid.

Instead, we should be there for our spouses. We must build them up when they have failed. When one falls, the other can pick them up. When they do something wrong, we must show love and patience. If they make a mistake, say something positive about them, or correct them in a loving tone. As the bible says, “A soft word turneth away wrath.” 

That doesn’t mean we can’t critique them or communicate things at times. But overall, we should try to never insult or criticize our spouses in a negative way. This will break down communication, and then the marriage will be in trouble. Always build each other up. You are partners in life. You are supposed to be the nicest to each other above all others. You have a special bond…act like it!

Paul even says in Colossians 3:19: Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

We should be gentle and loving, even when a spouse makes a mistake or does something stupid. We are all fallible humans after all! We all make mistakes (even dumb ones).

7. Talk Negatively About Your Spouse Behind Their Backs– Can you believe what a jerk your spouse is? I can’t believe they called you a “so and so.” I can’t believe they did that in the bedroom. Why not broadcast that to all of you friends and family? Go ahead, have fun. Gossip about you spouse behind their backs. Not!

There is no greater way to break down your spouse’s trust in you than to talk about them behind their backs, and tell personal things to other people.

A marriage should be strong. I NEVER EVER talk about my wife in a negative way to ANYONE! I cannot stress this enough. My wife is the stable thing in my life. We have an agreement to never talk negatively behind each other’s backs to anyone, and we honor this. My wife doesn’t talk about me negatively, and I don’t talk about her.

How would you feel if your spouse told someone else a personal thing? Or mocked you behind your back? That would really upset me! Instead, if you have a problem, talk directly to your spouse. God put man and woman together, and you become one flesh.

Would you talk about yourself to others in a negative way? Of course not! So why gossip about your spouse? It just isn’t right. Instead, only say positive things about your spouse. You should never talk about personal things. That is no one’s business but you and your spouse!

8. Experiment with Pornography and Bad Sexual Things–Make sure to look at lots of porn behind your spouses back, and beg them to look with you. Also, request strange and sinful behavior for your spouse, and demand they do it. NOT!

Involving terribly sinful things such as pornography, inappropriate sexual behavior, and other things is just asking for trouble! God clearly condemns looking at things like pornography, sexual videos, and other things. Also, extreme or bad sexual activities should be avoided.

I can’t tell you how many couples I have heard about that end up with major problems after introducing these sinful things into their homes…even if both were okay with it. I have seen extended family, celebrities, even pastors (Ted Haggard comes to mind) have their lives destroyed by this type of thing. Instead, these things must be avoided 100%. If someone has a bad habit, it is time to break this habit immediately.

Rely on the love and power of God, and the example of Christ to help you overcome any sexual perversion. Only love your spouse, only see your spouse naked, and have great healthy and Godly sex! Never defile your own bedroom with inappropriate things.

The bible warns against this type of sexual immorality, and it can corrupt a perfectly good marriage if a husband or wife introduces this. You DO NOT need pornography, videos, or unclean sexual behavior to spice up your sex life. You can do it without any sin being involved!

9. Lose Your Faith in God, or Experiment with Other Religions– Make sure to reject God completely if you want to put your marriage on the fast track for divorce. Pursue other gods, or become an atheist. It should definitely increase your odds of being unfaithful, and more. NOT!

In reality, people who TRULY FOLLOW God’s will usually have guaranteed happy and long lasting marriages. Notice how I underlined “TRULY FOLLOW” above. This is because there are many “so called Christians” who aren’t really following God’s word.

They cheat, they do wrong things, and make the whole Christian community look bad in the process. In fact, some Christian divorce rates are almost as high as other religions or non-believers. Again, this is because they are NOT following God’s word. If you truly follow God’s word, you will avoid these problems.

The best way to ensure your will have a life-long happy and successful marriage is to use biblical principles in you marriage. Love one another. Be each other’s servant. Forgive one another as God forgives you. Do not commit adultery. Do not lust after others. This is God’s will. Follow that, and you will make it just fine!

10. Commit Adultery with Others–Make sure to have great sex with anyone who grabs you eye. If you see an attractive person, don’t just walk by. Instead, introduce yourself and make a plan to seduce them and cheat on your spouse….NOT!

Adultery is one of the worst sins. Why? Because this one sin alone can literally ruin a person’s life. It seems that almost daily on CNN I see another governor, or congressman who has cheated on his wife. He is now being forced to step down (losing the job), usually a divorce ensues next (loses a ton of money), and then their children despise them (loss of respect in the community).

Furthermore, the little “Fling” will probably dissolve faster than the actual marriage, and the person will be left with NOTHING but humiliation, attorney fees, and regret.

Please, please, please…NEVER do it. Show all of your love, commitment and affection to your spouse and spouse alone! Avoid flirtation with the opposite sex. Avoid situation of being alone, or having close friendships with the opposite sex.

All of these things can become a vine of lust that strangle the marriage, and can lead to the sin of adultery. Avoid these things completely. Hold fast to God’s word, and never let it go. Hold fast to your spouse, and never let them go.

I still remember hearing about Billy Graham’s “rule” when he started his ministry. One of the rules was that he was to never be alone with a woman at any time. He would always ensure his own wife or another man was with him. The reason is to ensure that he never felt temptation to do wrong, and also so no one could wrongly accuse him.

This is brilliant, and me and my wife use this same policy. Never be alone with the opposite sex (unless they are family). It is just downright inappropriate to do so. If you must speak to the opposite sex during business or some other reason, try to get someone to go with you.

The best way to not become addicted to alcohol is to never take the first drink. The best way to avoid adultery is to ensure you never have the opportunity to do it!

Conclusion: Please Have a Happy Marriage and Don’t Do the Bad Things Above!

Marriage is a beautiful bond between two people. God instituted marriage from the very beginning, and we should strive to have a Godly marriage. I hope you have enjoyed these “tips,” and I hope you have a truly happy and successful marriage.

Until death do you part! What God has put together, let no man pull apart.

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Posted under bible questions, marriage and divorce, reflections